Fifteen days to make you love me

Do you still believe in love?

I cannot remember how long it’s been since I posted here. It’s been over a year, at least. I haven’t checked that email in well over a year. Maybe I should go and check to see what hidden messages are there. There’s probably all kinds of great stuff in that inbox. I remember getting some of the best messages during the height of this blog. You guys were the absolute bestfriends I could have during that time.

I started this blog as a way to show my love to a woman who probably didn’t deserve anything I had to offer. I wanted her to prove to her that I was the best thing possible. The thing is, you should never have to go through what I did in order to prove yourself to anyone. That’s not what love is about. I advise any of you reading this blog to find comfort in knowing that you are worth much more than anyone who doesn’t see what you have to offer as a companion.

It’s been a year since we broke up and about six months since we stopped talking. She was not what I thought she was. Today, she hardly exists to me. Two and a half years of nothing. I do find myself regretting the time I spent trying to find love in someone like her. I mean, she had a good heart; but she was very manipulative. I cannot imagine doing what she did to me to my worst enemy. That’s real.

In two and a half year my life stayed stagnant. Do you believe in God? I do. I think he was showing me something. I had to let go of her to get what I wanted out of life. I’m still not in the best of positions, but I can feel everything coming togehter… Without her. The longer I held onto her, the lower and lower my quality of life sunk. I lost my job a month after meeting her in 2008. I stayed unemployed until a month after we broke up in 2011. Is that a coincidence or not? I believe in fate. I’m trying to believe in love again.

I started writing this post at 9:00 AM.

At this moment, I’m sitting here waiting on her text telling me that we should break up. It’s a repeating cycle. I know it’s coming. We just got off of the phone and soon enough she’ll text me telling me that she needs a break or something like that. I don’t care to respond. I’m just going to get all of my emotions out right now before that text even comes through. I don’t even know if I feel like crying or if I feel like rolling over and going to sleep.

I haven’t been sleeping much. I can’t tell you what’s truly wrong with me. I know there is a lot of stress in my life that I’m trying to deal with. I’m having more than a hard time, but I can’t give up on anything. Something has to change in my life. I don’t know what’s going on right now or where this all came from. It just seems like it hit me all at once for no reason at all. How did I get to this point? I haven’t the slightest clue. I think that’s what keepsm e up at night.

I called her at 8 AM this morning. I know she hasn’t been sleeping much either, but she’s usually an early bird. Yesterday she told me that she had a lot to do today, so I figured she’d be up getting ready. When I called her she sounded so wide awake. She was very alert and coherent. She asked if she could call me back because her phone was dying. About 30 minutes later my phone rings and she’s questioning why would I call her so early. At that moment, I felt like every boyfriend privilege had been revoked. What happened to being able to call my girlfriend at any hour of the day? I didn’t know I could only call during certain hours. I understand the value of her sleep because she hadn’t been getting any, but damn, I remember when she used to encourage that I called her no matter the time. I’m guessing before noon on a Saturday is out of the question.

She’s calling now… I guess she proved me wrong.

I promised myself that I would never come back to this blog.

I remember the day I told myself that I wouldn’t write here anymore. It’s not because I don’t love her anymore or that we’ve broken up. We’re still together and going strong might I add. I said that I wouldn’t write here anymore because I would just tell her more and more how I feel, until I able to eloquently speak as well as I write. I’ve been telling her every feeling that I have, whether good or bad, because I want to grow with her. Sometimes she makes me mad; but most of the time I’m so deep in love that nothing else matters to much other than her voice, touch, smell, smile, and everything else that goes into the makings of her.

I sit here now, afraid. I need this blog more than anything else. Today has started off horrible. I expected the worst out of a comment, now I’m sitting here afraid that she won’t be mine after this. I messed up and I wish that I could go back and change it. I wish that she would just know how sorry I am. We have these small tiffs because of something I said or failed to do. On the other hand, I get upset because of something she may say that’s snappy or I feel like she’s being difficult in over defending a point that doesn’t need to be defended. It irks me so much when she does that. Today, I figured that’s what she was doing and I tried to defuse the situation before it happened. I was wrong, because she wasn’t trying to argue with me. Instead, she was trying to comfort me. I expected the worse. I won’t blame it on me being sick. I fucked up and I’m so sorry.

I can’t be alone with my own thoughts. I’ll start crying because I’m so mad at myself. How could I be so stupid? Why do I make this relationship so hard? I put us at a point that me fucking up could be the end-all-be-all of us. A (not so) simple mistake has turned out to be more than both of our minds and bodies can handle. She’s having all kinds of muscle spasms and headaches, and I (already sick) have puked, felt faint, and frankly wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until we are good again. I know we’ll be good again. I always feel it, even during our arguments. I just want to tell her to shut up so we can get to gettin’ good. That’d be really disrespectful because I would be disregarding her feelings, so I would never do that (even if it’s what I really want to do).

I’ve noticed that I say ‘I’ a lot. It’s not because I’m focused on me. She’s the only thing that’s in my mind. Everything that I do, I do it for her. What’s another way to convey my feelings without using the word ‘I’? It makes me look so self-consumed, when in all actuality, I’m consumed in her. I’m going to stop right here, because I’ve just realized that I’m sitting here concerned about how I look. It’s still about me. That’s a powerful realization. I’m such a confused person. She deserves some kind of award for sticking with me. I really hope she does. I love her so much, man.

I am so mad at you right now.

I’m highly pissed off right now. I can’t seem to sit down for more than two seconds. I’ve been trying to go to sleep just so that I’ll wake up feeling better, but I can’t get comfortable in the bed. My hands only get cold when I’m really mad. They’re cold. I feel like yelling at the top of my lungs and venting to anyone who has the ear or time to listen. I just need to get this out of me.

I feel like I have every reason to be mad at you, but even with it all going on I just want to call you and put this behind me. I’m stubborn, though. I said I’d call you back because you began raising your voice and cursing at me. I felt myself getting upset, so I just needed to step back, give you air to breathe and we’d continue our conversations at a time when you’re clearheaded and not cursing at me. Instead of giving us that space to breathe, you tell me not to call you back. That’s what sent me over the top. But, even with all of that, I can’t help loving you. All I want to do is call you and get past it all.

I love you more than I can ever express. I’ve said that a million times in this blog. It’s even true right now. I take my comfort in that. I know that nothing you could possibly do could make me stop loving you. No matter how much I want to shake some sense into you, I can’t stop loving you. It takes work to get to where I am in my heart with you. I’m so happy that I’ve made it to this point. I don’t call it blind or naive because to me it’s true love.

I just don’t want to be the person running back this time. We’re both so stubborn. It’s been so out of character of you for about a year and a half to call me and apologize to me for something, but this past month has been a great progression. Even when you’ve been mad at me you think about how it would have made me feel and apologize. I love seeing that progression in you even if you’re the most frustrating person I know. The thing is: I wouldn’t change it.

I love you.

Writing this calmed me down.

If you’re reading this…

Lord knows that I love you. I just wish I had the money to spoil you in all the ways that I want. I know that we can’t put a monetary value on what we have, but sometimes it’s just nice to give you all of the luxuries that I know you deserve. I gave my 100% best for the last month to get money and buy you the best Valentine’s Day gift that I could afford. Somehow, I couldn’t even scrape up enough change to buy myself dinner. I’ve tried every legit source of income that I could possibly find. It’s been snowing a hell of a lot, why not snow removal? It seems that people can’t afford to pay a guy with a shovel these days. I knocked on plenty of doors. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to get you anything this year really brought me down. I tried for the life of me to keep a positive attitude, but it was always there. I felt really useless.

I’m still not sure how to make up for not being able to get you anything this year. The only thing I have left to give are in these words. I’ve always had the right things to say to make you smile. I’ll write my heart out until my fingers are numb. Words don’t seem to be enough for what I feel for you. I’d be a fool to think that all of the right words could condense every emotion in my body that is tied to your smile, let alone every other part of you. I’ve been trying for two years now. Every time I go back to reread what I wrote, it never seems like the full effect. It’s just something you’d have to feel. If it was physically possible, and any less disgusting, I’d take my heart out and give it to you just so you can feel what I feel about you. You’d have to give it back, though. I need to continue to feel this way about you to make my days much brighter.

You know what would be a great metaphor for how I’m feeling? True Blood. Weird, right? I’m finally getting you to sit down and watch it. It’s not like you didn’t want to see it to begin with, though. You’ve just been busy. Thank God for the internet. Regardless, think about True Blood. We’re in the first season now (the second season is awesome, might I add). You know the V that they take? That’s how it feels when I’m with you. You’re my V. My senses are enhanced, food tastes better, and I see little sparks flying off of your skin. Well, not really about the sparks, but that’d be dope right?! I wish. You’re my drug of choice. Remember what they said about V? Our blood sustains life, vampire blood gives life. You give me life. And, yes, I just compared our relationship to a science fiction show on HBO about vampires, sex, and human hatred. It’s all I got, man! I need some more V (you).

You’re not one to put a lot of value on tangible things, and that’s great. Otherwise, I’d feel two times as bad about not getting you anything. You know how much I want to give you the world. I felt so inadequate. That’s something that I’m definitely sure you didn’t want me to feel. I had to make myself think like you. What would she do? You’d tell me not to worry about getting you anything. You actually did tell me that. Come on, you know me, I’m not good at taking directions. I had to do exactly what you asked me not to do. I worried. I tried my best to get you some expensive gift that’d top anything you’ve ever had in your entire life. Then I realized, I’m your good thing. I’m a daily dose of something good into your hectic life. So, I figure that you look at me as a gift that will always seem brand new everyday. Even on Valentine’s day.

So, if you’re reading this letter it means that I was unable to make my dreams come true of spoiling you this year. I know that I haven’t let you down. I’m writing you this letter as a promise of a new life. This will be the last year you have to spend without some great gift to open. This will be the last year I spend trying to scrape up change and do odd jobs to make your day special. I promise you that the rest of this year will be better. No, I’m not going to overcompensate by giving you a ton of stuff for a lack of one on Valentine’s Day. It’s not like any woman would hate that anyway. What I am going to do is make sure that everything you’ve put into me is returned in tenfold. I was serious when I told you that I wanted to make your life so easy that you wouldn’t have to work unless you wanted to. I have a plan. Unlike my plan for Valentine’s Day, it’ll work out fine.

I love you more than this letter will ever explain.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I’m still new at this.

Sex is always such a scary topic to me. I know, it’s supposed to come natural, but I’m still shy about it. It’s weird, because I’m only shy when it comes to initiating it. I’m not so shy when we’re making love, though. I don’t know how to let you know that I’m in the mood or the feel of your body next to mine makes me want to undress you and go for it all night. I can’t control how horny I get when I hear your voice or when I feel you touch me. It’s just this automatic reaction. Is that how it’s supposed to be? I get so nervous when we’re cuddled up at night, because I can feel myself getting an erection. I don’t know how to tell you that I want your body right then and there. I honestly don’t want you to think that I’m weird and that’s all I want. I enjoy being with you, not just for sex. I can’t lie and say that I don’t want to make love to you twenty four hours of a day and seven days of the week. Even when I was just typing seven, I typed sex.

It’s always on my mind. Every morning, every night. I just don’t know how to express it. When I bring it up, I can feel myself getting as nervous as a guy approaching his longtime crush and asking her to the prom. I’m a late bloomer, I supposed. I truly wish that I knew the words to say and the places to touch you to get it all started. I’m figuring out what turns yuo on and what gets you to the point that I am. I’m easily turned on by the sound of your voice, or even a funny noise that you make that sounds like you’re moaning. Today, I sat back and watched you try on those tights and was turned on by how your legs looked, and how your ass looked when you pulled them up. I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything about it because we were having such a casual conversation. I don’t want to be rude and bring up sex when we’re talking about cell phones. I just always thought women thought that was lame. I know, you’re not every woman. I could tell that when we met.

This probably means nothing to you right now because I’ve made sex more complicated than it is. I always do. I’m telling you this stuff way too late. The truth is, I’ve been plotting on ways to make love to you ever since you came home early from work a few weeks ago. That’s the last time we did anything and I’ve been wanting it ever since; especially that night. I just didn’t know what to say. I’m nervous. It may seem like an excuse to you, but it’s so real to me.

I wish I were more aggressive. I want to be one of those guys that just lifts you up, throws you on the bed, and makes passionate love to you. I’m way to afraid that I’ll seem stupid. I think too much. That’s my problem. Why not just do it? I hope it becomes that easy in the future. That is, if you’re still turned on by me after what happened a few hours ago. I messed it up. Sex is probably some complicated thing to you now. You’re shy like me. I probably turned you off indefinitely. God, that sucks because even right now I still want to make love to you. Make up sex. We’ve never had that because we’re always so mad at each other after an argument. Let’s do it tonight. Let’s have make up sex. I’ll initiate it. Hopefully I do it right.

I don’t want to make it seem like that I’m just doing it because you want me to be aggressive. I’ll be giving my all tonight because now I’m horny at the thought of our first make up sex. I know you’re mad at me. If not make up sex, let’s have angry sex. That’ll be a way to relieve tension between the two of us. I just wish you knew how turned on I am by you. The best way for you to know is to show you.

I’m thinking about crawling into the bed with you and kissing your neck. I know you’re upset with me, so you probably won’t even look my way; but it’s worth the try. As I kiss your neck, I rub my hand up your back. I can feel that you’re tense, so I continue to kiss that spot. You know, the one under your ear? I hope this turns you on just as much as it’s turning me on just thinking about it.

How can I still be horny after I just made sex so complicated? I have no idea. It’s just you. Your body is amazing. I won’t go into detail about the things we do and how great you feel when we do them, because it’s enough to make me blush just typing it. Just know that I’m horny for days afterwards. I’m still horny from our drunken sex in DC while watching Entourage. I think about that almost everyday. Sometimes it makes me horny enough that I have to rub one out while you’re at work. It’s that serious.

It’s so weired to think like this knowing you’re so mad at me. I just can’t help it. I’ve never been turned on by anyone this much in my entire life. I haven’t wanted anyone more than I’ve wanted you. I’ve lusted after all kinds of celebrity women, model chicks, the works. Nothing compares to how I feel about you. Nothing in this entire world. I wish I had more control over it, but I don’t. Remember when I used to pride myself over that? Saying that I finish when I want and that I have such great control over when I do. I’ve lost all control over it. I feel like your instrument. When you want me to have my happy ending, you make sure it happens right then and there. It’s just those four words you say to me during sex. I hope you can figure out which ones they are. I’ll give you a hint. It’s two sentences. They’re both four words long. “___ for ___, baby.” and the other one I won’t type out! I blushed as I was adding the spaces for it. God, I’m still way to shy.

We’re bipolar.

Sometimes I love you until there is no ends and I daydream about spending the rest of my life with you. Other times you make me so mad that I could just run through a wall and not get hurt based on pure adrenaline. Most days you make me smile, and others you make me cry. It’s a hell of a ride, but you make my life interesting. You give me reason, and most of all you give me love. I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else but you.

I know that I can be a complicated mess sometimes. I’m stubborn and so are you. We have egos and when we’re upset we don’t back down. I’m learning and giving my all to be submissive. I hope it’s not too late. I see that you show your teeth more and more these days when before you would calm it down and ask how to fix it. We’ve switch rolls. You’re not used to this knew me. I really hope you don’t think it’s a front, because I’m giving my all to be a better person. It stings a little bit every time you tell me you’re not used to this. It’s only the truth, though. I can’t be mad at that.

I can smile, laugh, cry, and laugh again in one day with you. It’s the beauty of life. I go through all emotions. I would have never imagined doing this before. I’ve spent most of my recent years being a stoic asshole. Now I have a grip of feelings that I don’t know what to do with. I feel bad for crying when I do because I never knew what it felt like to cry. I never had an emotion. I don’t think it’s bad that you’ve showed me how to feel. That comes with love. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t get upset. I wouldn’t care about the things you do. It sounds so cliche, but I care because I love you. It hurts because my heart is in it. Does that make sense?

Joe Budden said it best: “It’s nothin’ else in this world that we would rather do.” I wouldn’t even give the time of day to anyone else. I don’t have many friends because I give up on them early on. With you, I can’t. I truly want to spend the rest of my life with you. We have spoken to each other everyday for the past two years. Everyday. I want to keep that streak going. Even when we went through all of that in December, we still spoke. It’s just us. I love that. I know it’s not just me that can’t be away from you. It’s mutual.

A minute ago, I was so mad at you that I just wanted to hang up and not call you back for a every long time. Then when we hung up, I had to call you back. Who was I kidding? I was just frontin’. Then I called you back with an attitude like I was doing something. God, I’m such a fool. We know the deal. I love it, though. We’re bipolar as we wanna be.

I love you limitlessly.

It’s been a while since I wrote in this blog. I’m up at 4am trying to find a reason to sleep and I can’t. I have such a long day tomorrow, but my thoughts are keeping me wide awake. God, they’re so pure. I love being kept awake by the thought of you. It’s truly amazing. I may have such a weird way of explaining this; but it makes the best sense to me. I guess what I’m saying is, I’d rather be wide awake thinking about you, than sleep and in a dream that I can’t control. Unless, of course, that dream happens to be one about you; but that’s not definite is it?

We had an incident tonight. I know you, love. You may wake up feeling drained and so tired of me. I hope not. Surprise me. I’m writing here tonight because as I look at you sleep, I want to hold you close to me and protect you from it all. I want to protect you from waking up feeling bad. I wish I could help you sleep through the night. I’m really happy that I was able to talk you back to sleep after you woke up feeling bad about our little incident earlier tonight. I’m also happy that we decided to just let it go. For me, that means letting go of the negativity and just being. You know how much I love to just be.

If I so happen to fall asleep before you wake up and take off for work tomorrow, I pray that your heart is directed to this blog. This is everything that I want you to wake up to in the morning, or even while in your office at work tomorrow. I want you to know that you’re my all. I tell you so much because I don’t want you to go a day without hearing it, feeling it, and knowing it. I’d rather over do it than not do it enough. I’ve had my fair share of mess ups in this relationship. I’m not allotted anymore more, by my standards. I love you, 254. Remember my codename for you? 254. I hope I don’t regret putting that in this blog! You know how crazy folks can be!

Want to know what’s on my mind? It’s you, like always. You’re sleeping a lot more peacefuller (wait, peacefuller is a word?! dope!) since you woke up and I talked you back to sleep. The bed isn’t moving and you’re not tossing and turning. I feel like you’re going to sleep through the night now and I’m so happy about it. You know that feeling that a man gets when he feels like he can take care of his woman? Probably not; but that’s the feeling that I have. Accomplished. Knowing that I was able to put you in a comfortable state and helped you get back to sleep, even after our incident and how mad you are at me right now. There is nothing like a woman’s wrath! I love it, though. I wouldn’t change you for anything, baby.

And to my readers:

I know it’s been a while. I’ll be responding to all of your emails soon! I’ve had such a stressful start to this year that I haven’t really had much time for anything else but my life and my relationship. As you can see, everything worked out for the better. I didn’t get on the blog and tell everyone because I didn’t want it to be about a show. I wanted my love to be moreso about my love and not putting it on display. The person that matters knows where we stand, so it’s good enough. I appreciate all of you, but it’s about her, you know? I’m sure you understand.

God bless,
Fifteen Days.