Day 1: I have the rest of my life to make you love me again.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Day 1: I have the rest of my life to make you love me again.

Heartbreak is the most painful thing I have ever had to go through in my life. It’s not something that you can sleep off because it seeps into your dreams. It’s nothing that I can wake up and feel better about in the morning, because from the moment I wake up I feel a physical emptiness in my chest. All I want to do is sleep after I’ve opened my eyes, but I can’t seem to think about anything other than the affairs of my heart and it seeps back into my dreams. I just can’t get away from it.

You have no idea what you do to me. I didn’t choose for you to be the sole keeper of my heart, nor did I choose for you to be the only thing that makes me truly happy. I cannot decide who I love and what makes me smile. It’s programmed into my being. So, when you remove yourself from the equation, you take a large piece of me with you. I can’t help but to feel the way I’m feeling now. You have to understand that this is not what I wanted.

The most heartbreaking thing I have to go through is how you view me. Whereas, I feel like I’ve done nothing but been a great boyfriend, you feel trapped. I have given my all to make you feel loved, cherished, appreciated, and spiritual nourished. I take pride in the kind of person I’ve been during the course of this relationship. I will not feel bad for being (in your words) the best boyfriend you’ve ever had. I do feel bad because in your eyes, you see me as this piece of baggage that you need to be freed from. Where are our signals getting crossed? I don’t see that I’ve been any of that. I’ve willingly given you my life, my trust, and my love without an reserves.

Even this blog has been a testament of my devotion to you. I’ve opened my whole chest up to give you a view of everything I’m made of in a better light. I write these words so that you may see how beautiful and precious our love is. It needs to be protected and displayed for generations, not broken. Our love needs to be nourished, because right now it is our only child. Just like a child, it takes work, effort, time, and support. This relationship has been like an unplanned child, though. Neither one of us were ready for it, but we had to take care of it when it came.

So, today you decide that you no longer want to speak to me. What am I supposed to do with that? Why is it that you can decide to be without me? Did I overestimate my worth and importance in your life? I really hope not. I’m breaking down in the eyes of hundreds of people who regularly follow this blog. The thing is, I don’t care. I’m losing myself without you, because I’ve given you so much of me.

Tell me, what happens after you take this break and you literally find out that you don’t want to be with me? What am I supposed to do with that? Do I sit here with without my heart, because I don’t think I’d possibly be able to go on without you there. That’s not me just talking as a brokenhearted person. It’s something that I have seriously thought about for the duration of this year. How would I continue on without you? God forbid something happened to you or we got to the point we are at now. What would I do without you? I’m lost. I thought about that in the deepest of loves with you because I wanted to see if my heart would truly feel at peace with the thought of not having you. It didn’t then, and it still doesn’t today.

You want to know what’s the difference in me telling you all of this stuff and giving these grand speeches and you telling me things? It’s because I’m pro-love. You are pro-break. There isn’t a person in this world that doesn’t feel that love conquers all. It’s like I’m on a ledge and I’m reaching down to pull you up. Those are my speeches and my reasonings for telling you this stuff. You, on the other hand, are pulling my arm down instead of jumping up with me. I told you, I’d rather bring you up than let you down. That’s the honest difference. I hope you can see that.

I have purchased a ticket to see you in 17 days. I’ll still come whether you show up or not. I’m praying that you do. I’m praying that in this time of not speaking to me you’ll miss me enough to come get me from where I’ll be arriving. This is yet another risk that I’m taking for us. Selfless, in the moment, and just plain in love. I guess I’ll have a story to tell if you don’t show. I don’t mind the let down, but I do mind not putting forth the effort.

I have the rest of my life to show you what true love can be.