I promised myself that I would never come back to this blog.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I promised myself that I would never come back to this blog.

I remember the day I told myself that I wouldn’t write here anymore. It’s not because I don’t love her anymore or that we’ve broken up. We’re still together and going strong might I add. I said that I wouldn’t write here anymore because I would just tell her more and more how I feel, until I able to eloquently speak as well as I write. I’ve been telling her every feeling that I have, whether good or bad, because I want to grow with her. Sometimes she makes me mad; but most of the time I’m so deep in love that nothing else matters to much other than her voice, touch, smell, smile, and everything else that goes into the makings of her.

I sit here now, afraid. I need this blog more than anything else. Today has started off horrible. I expected the worst out of a comment, now I’m sitting here afraid that she won’t be mine after this. I messed up and I wish that I could go back and change it. I wish that she would just know how sorry I am. We have these small tiffs because of something I said or failed to do. On the other hand, I get upset because of something she may say that’s snappy or I feel like she’s being difficult in over defending a point that doesn’t need to be defended. It irks me so much when she does that. Today, I figured that’s what she was doing and I tried to defuse the situation before it happened. I was wrong, because she wasn’t trying to argue with me. Instead, she was trying to comfort me. I expected the worse. I won’t blame it on me being sick. I fucked up and I’m so sorry.

I can’t be alone with my own thoughts. I’ll start crying because I’m so mad at myself. How could I be so stupid? Why do I make this relationship so hard? I put us at a point that me fucking up could be the end-all-be-all of us. A (not so) simple mistake has turned out to be more than both of our minds and bodies can handle. She’s having all kinds of muscle spasms and headaches, and I (already sick) have puked, felt faint, and frankly wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until we are good again. I know we’ll be good again. I always feel it, even during our arguments. I just want to tell her to shut up so we can get to gettin’ good. That’d be really disrespectful because I would be disregarding her feelings, so I would never do that (even if it’s what I really want to do).

I’ve noticed that I say ‘I’ a lot. It’s not because I’m focused on me. She’s the only thing that’s in my mind. Everything that I do, I do it for her. What’s another way to convey my feelings without using the word ‘I’? It makes me look so self-consumed, when in all actuality, I’m consumed in her. I’m going to stop right here, because I’ve just realized that I’m sitting here concerned about how I look. It’s still about me. That’s a powerful realization. I’m such a confused person. She deserves some kind of award for sticking with me. I really hope she does. I love her so much, man.